Mirrors

I used to spend so much time looking at myself in the mirror. Fixing my hair, putting on my makeup. It was all a facade, to mask how I really felt about myself. I couldn’t even go to the grocery store without putting makeup on first. I was afraid that I would see someone I knew and they would tell everyone my big secret; that I am just average. I was too self-centered to realize the world wasn’t talking about me when I wasn’t around.

Then I went through a few years where I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I hated myself that much. If I forced myself to look in the mirror it usually ended in tears. The reflection I saw was just a shell of a woman, drowning in guilt, regret and failure. A woman doomed to spend the remainder of her days in her own personal hell. I didn’t know then what I know now; there is a way out.

Today, when I look in the mirror I see a mom who is doing her best to show her daughter how much she loves her. I see a wife that loves and appreciates her husband. I see a daughter, sister and friend who is dependable and honest. I see a woman with integrity.

The beauty in all of this is that I don’t need to check my reflection to know that I am doing these things! I can feel it!

I may not look like a model, I may not be pretty by societies standards. I have bags under my eyes and I’m not a size 2, BUT I love the woman I have become since finding recovery and that is far more beautiful to me than anything external.

I am not ashamed to show the world the real me today. I have no control over the thoughts of others, and to be honest I probably wouldn’t spend my time with anyone who wants to judge me for my appearance or the mistakes I made in the past anyway. The only things I have control over are my attitude and my actions. That’s it!

And today, I choose to be happy. And that my friends is a tremendous blessing. ❤️